Trying to Breathe
by Steph912
Summary: *TRIGGER WARNING-SELF HARM*. This is set after Kill Shot in season 4. After the sniper case, Beckett is struggling to deal with everything; her mom's death, her mom's case, her shooting, Castle...everything. She feels like she's drowning. Will she choose to cope in a dangerous way? Will she let Castle help or will she push him away?
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: Hey everyone. I know I put this in the summary but I want to put it here also *TRIGGER WARNING-SELF HARM*. I know its a touchy and very sensitive topic, and I know it's been done, and I would normally be the LAST one to write about this...but for many reasons, I just need to write this. I'm very sorry if the topic offends anyone. If it does, please don't read. It will not hurt my feelings. the only thing that will hurt my feelings is rude and negative comments, so please, please, please...remember to be kind.  
**

Two weeks. It had been two weeks since the sniper case. Two weeks since she broke down in her apartment. Two weeks since she broke down in the hallway of that building. Two weeks since she had told Dr. Burke she was ready to face this and start to do the work. Two weeks. Two weeks….and now...well, now she was starting to think this was a bad decision. She thought she was ready for this. She thought she could handle this. Turns out, she was wrong.

She had just arrived home from a session with Dr. Burke and, as usual, she was feeling awful. Having to talk about everything and dredge everything back up. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that it was the only way to get better…but before it makes it better, it makes it worse. Dr. Burke had warned her about this. Warned her that 'stirring up the pot' as he called it, was very trying, and he continually asked her if she was sure she had enough emotional reserves to handle it.

She reassured him she did but tonight; tonight she felt like she was out of strength. She'd been fighting and fighting and she felt like she just couldn't do it anymore. Since she was a private person she didn't want any of her colleagues or friends to know what she was going though. Of course, they knew some of it…but they didn't know how bad it was. They didn't know that for the past several weeks the thought of cutting kept coming to her mind because she simply just didn't know what else to do. She was doing this on her own, and she didn't know how much longer she could keep it up.

She had never cut before and so far, she had been able to resist the urge. She did talk to Dr. Burke about it and he gave her some tools and coping skills to use when she was having the urge to cut. It wasn't easy. In fact, it was extremely difficult, but she had been able to resist. Tonight, however, she didn't feel like she could fight it any more. All she could think about was the fact that she knew if she just cut, she would feel better-even if for a moment. All she could think about was the fact that for a short moment, she would be focusing on the physical pain instead of the emotional turmoil. She didn't want to hurt herself, but she was convinced she could be careful. With shaky hands, she got the scissors out of the drawer and rolled up her left sleeve.

* * *

Castle strolled into the precinct, the usual two cups of coffee in tow, "Good Morning, Detective."

Kate looked up from the paperwork she was doing and tried to give him a smile, but he noticed right away it didn't reach her eyes, "Hey, Castle. Thanks." She said as he sat in his chair and handed her the coffee.

"You ok Kate?"

"Oh, uh, yeah fine. Just tired. Didn't sleep well last night, that's all."

Of course he knew she was lying, but he also knew better than to push her. "Ok, so what do we got on tap for today?"

"Well…unless the phone rings, just paperwork. Sorry partner."

He sighed dramatically, "Well, I guess we should be happy the people of New York are taking a little crime break, even if it means a boring day for us."

Kate laughed, "Us? Since when is there an 'us' where paperwork is concerned?"

Castle reached over and grabbed a pen, "Since today. Hand some over."

She eyed him suspiciously but did as he said, "Why are you being so nice today?"

"What? Detective, you wound me. I am always nice to you."

"Riiiiiight. Just let me know if you have any questions."

"Got it." Castle looked at the form in front of him and she saw that gleam in his eye and she just knew…

"And Castle, stick to the facts. This isn't one of your books, no taking a creative license and making a story out of the case."

"Oh come on, Becket. You don't think the higher up would appreciate a little creativity? I'm sure they would rather read an interesting account instead of the…"

"Castle!" She interrupted.

He held his hands up in surrender, "Fine, fine. Got it. Keep it boring."

She rolled her eyes and got back to work. Several hours later Beckett sighed and rubbed her forehead, "Ok, I need so need more coffee."

"I'll take some too," Castle added, not looking up from the form he was filling out. A few seconds later Castle heard a crash and rushed to the break room. He saw Beckett wiping up coffee and glass from the floor. "You ok? What happened."

She was cursing under her breath, "Damn steam. Its fine, I got it Castle."

"Don't be ridiculous," he said as he got some paper towels and went to help. When he bent down he noticed Kate's left sleeve was covered in coffee.

"Kate, did you burn yourself?"

She looked down at her sleeve and arm covered in coffee. Realizing which arm he was looking at she started to panic, "It's fine Castle."

Not listening, he took her hand and dragged her to the sink, "Kate, you have to run your arm under cold water, it's gonna burn!"

She tried to get out of his grasp, "Castle I'm fine, really. I've got it."

He turned the cold water on, "Stop being so stubborn, Kate."

"Castle…really…"

He pulled up her sleeve as he put her arm under the water. He looked at her, "See, doesn't that feel better." He looked down at her wrist for the first time, "I don't think you got yourself that…"

Kate knew the second he saw the cuts she had made last night. He got totally silent. It felt like time went still. She shut her eyes as hard as she could. No, no no. NO. This could not be happening. No. Suddenly, everything was spinning…

Kate heard Castle shut off the water and felt him dry her wrist of with the towel. Then she felt him lightly tracing his thumb over the cuts on her wrist. "Kate," he whispered, "what happened?"

Kate finally opened her eyes, but looked at the floor, "N…nothing, Castle." Her voice croaked out, "I just got scratched." She tried to pull her arm away but he kept a firm hold on it.

He shook his head, "Look me in the eye and tell me that."

"Castle, let me go and drop it." She finally broke free of his grasp.

She went to turn around and leave but Castle ran ahead of her and shut the door to the break room, blocking her path. "What happened Kate?"

"Castle, I said drop it." Kate said, raising her voice.

Castle raised his voice as well, "No! Not until you tell me what really happened."

"I told you, I got scratched."

"Bullshit!" Castle grabbed her left arm and pulled up her sleeve, "This is not just a scratch Kate."

"Castle, stop!" she yelled, pulling her arm away from him.

They stood there for a few minutes in silence, both breathing heavy, until Castle spoke, this time in a whisper, "Kate, please. Please tell me what's going on. What happened?"

Kate finally looked at him and he saw the fear in her eyes, "I…I, Castle I can't."

He gently took her hand and led her to the couch. She didn't resist. As much as she didn't want him finding out, maybe it would help if she had someone to talk to. Maybe she would feel less alone. But she couldn't tell him. When they sat on the couch Kate immediately looked anywhere but at Castle's face. "Kate look at me, please." When she finally looked at him he took a deep breath. He was afraid to hear the answer to this, but he needed to know, "Kate, did you cut yourself?"

She looked at him, stunned. She never thought he would just ask her outright. "I…I…" Kate shut her eyes and tears leaked out. He had his answer.

"Oh, Kate." He tried to give her a hug.

She allowed it for half a second before pulling away and jumping off the couch, "No. No, Castle I'm fine. Just please, leave me alone ok." Before he could say anything else she had ran out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

Castle sat there, too stunned to move. Did that really just happen? God...what was he supposed to do? He ran a hand over his face. He felt like he was in a no win situation. He knew if he pushed her she would just pull away. On the other hand, there was obviously no way he could just simply ignore this and act like nothing happened.

Sighing, he got up and slowly walked out of the breakroom. After a quick scan, he realized she wasn't there. He walked over to Ryan and Esposito who were going over some paperwork, "Hey guys, where's Beckett?

Esposito looked up from the stack of papers, "Said she had some stuff she needed to take care of and would be gone for the rest of the day."

"Did she say where she was going?" Ryan and Esposito just gave him a look, "Ok, I know, I know. Stupid question."

"Everything ok, Castle?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah, yeah. Course. Everything's fine. You know, since we don't have a case I think I'll head home, get ahead on some writing." The boys eyed him suspiciously, "I'll see you guys tomorrow."

"Later Bro." Esposito said.

As he started walking off Ryan stopped him, "Hey Castle..." When Castle turned around, he continued, "Take care of her okay? We care about her too...she's our sister."

Castle nodded, "I know. I"ll do my best."

* * *

Kate was still pacing her apartment when she heard a knock at the door. Her stomach dropped. She knew it was Castle. She just _knew_. She slowly walked to the door and looked through the peep hole. When her suspicions were confirmed she tightly shut her eyes, clenching her hands into fists. She could not do this right now. She could not talk to him about this. Lost in her thoughts, she jumped when he knocked again and yelled from the other side of the door, "Come on Kate, I know you're home. You can let me in or I can use my key, but I'm not leaving." She clenched her fists tighter. Ugh, this man. Why couldn't he understand she just could NOT talk about this? "Kate!"

Realizing he wasn't leaving, she hastily opened the door, "Can't you take a hint, Castle? I don't want to talk about this!" He shoved his way into her apartment without a word and closed her door behind him. "Castle!"

He took a deep breath, "Look, Kate...I understand you don't want to talk about this; don't want to re-live it...but I need to know your safe. If you don't want to talk to me about it that's fine, but you need to talk to someone. I can't just let this go without knowing your getting help, you know that."

"So if I told you I was safe and getting help, would you let it go?" Kate asked, slight annoyance still in her voice.

"That depends" he said.

"On what, Castle?"

"Whoever you are talking to...whoever you are going to to get help, are you going to tell them what happened?" Kate just shook her head yes. "You're going to be honest?"

"God! Yes, Castle! I'll tell him what happened!"

"When are you going?"

"That's none of your business Castle!"

"How is making sure you're safe not by business Kate!?"

"Fine, I go tomorrow, ok?! Are you satisfied?"

Castle nodded, "For now..." He wanted to make her promise she wouldn't cut until she talked to whoever it was that was helping her. Hell, he wanted to make her promise she would never do it again, but he knew he couldn't make her promise that. That was a sure fire way of having her push him away. All he could do is hope she would let him stay with her for a little while so he could keep an eye on her, and if she was going to see someone tomorrow...hopefully they would help. "So, uh...if I promise to let it go now and move on, can I stay and keep you company? We can watch a movie...and oh, I totally need a rematch in scrabble! That word you played last week...totally not a word!"

Kate finally gave a slight smile, "It was in the dictionary, Castle!"

"Well...the dictionary was wrong!" he smiled back.

She scoffed. "Ok, you can stay...but only because I want to prove I can beat you fair and square!"

He smiled. Thank God. He was letting her stay. At least he could keep her company for a little while. As long as she didn't get overwhelmed, hopefully she would be fine. He knew she would never admit it, but she looked a little relieved to have company...to not be alone.

* * *

Kate sat in front of Dr. Burke, her leg shaking anxiously.

"How are you doing today, Kate? How was your week."

"Uhm...I"m ok. It was ok."

"Care to elaborate?" She just looked down. After a few minutes of silence he continued, "Did something happen this week, Kate?" She looked up at him and by the look in her eyes, he knew there was something going on, "Kate, I can't help you if you don't tell me what happened."

"I..." her mouth suddenly felt like it was full of cotton, "I can't..."she said softly, looking down again.

He nodded his head in understanding, "Do you want me to give you some choices?" She shook her head yes. She knew she had to tell him but she just couldn't say it. "Ok, are we talking about cutting?" Her head snapped up in shock. She couldn't believe he got it on the first try. Dr. Burke knew by her reaction he had guessed right, "Kate, did you have an episode where you cut yourself?" She nodded her head slightly.

"Ok," he said calmly, "What did you use?"

Kate was surprised...that was his first question? Really, not...'why would you do that' or 'how many times'..."I...I'm not trying to be difficult but...does that matter?"

"Well, if there is a specific object that you use, we discuss staying way from it."

"Scissors," she said softly.

"And how did you feel when you were doing it?

"I just...I didn't know what else to do. I was so overwhelmed with everything and so upset and it was just so intense and I just...I couldn't talk to anyone because no one would understand so it was the only thing I could do and I...I felt better and worse at the same time...I didn't feel the intensity and I didn't feel so overwhelmed but I felt guilty and I just...I don't know..."

"Well, you know I am not here to berate you, you know that is the last thing I would ever do. But that guilt you were feeling...that was appropriate guilt. You did something you knew, deep down, you shouldn't do." Kate just nodded her head, unable to speak, "Can you pinpoint what caused the overwhelming, intense emotion? Was it something that happened, or was it a thought?"

They spent the next 50 minutes discussing the thoughts that led to the overwhelming, intense emotions and by the end of the session, Kate was totally fried.

"Ok Kate, I just want to remind you that you can call me anytime. I'm always on call, so if you feel that way again, and you try the techniques and coping skills we talked about and it isn't working, call me ok?

"I...I would feel bad bother you at home..I mean..."

"Kate," he interrupted gently, "this is my job. This is what I signed up for...I chose this. And I much rather you call then cut, ok?" Kate simply nodded, "Ok, so does that mean you'll call."

"Yes, I'll call."

"Ok. I"ll see you next week. Take care, Kate."

Kate ran her hand through her hair...she definitely needed a distraction right now. She always felt horrible after therapy sessions and today was no different...it was actually worse. As she got in her car she thought about the things on her list of distractions and ways to cope and she decided she would go home and change and go for a run. Castle was at the bottom of the list...Burke making her pick at least two friends she could call when she was feeling like cutting. Not to talk about how she was feeling, necessarily...just to strike up a conversation so she could re focus. She put Lanie and Castle...but now that Castle knew...she didn't know how she would ever face him again. She tried to act normal last night and she'll admit, she had a little fun. But the more she thought about it, the more embarrassed she was he knew. She couldn't face him...she just couldn't. So...she would run. She would run until the overwhelming sense of emotion and desperation and was replaced with exhaustion. She would run and run as long as she could.

**A/N: I want to thank those of you who have followed/favorited. I would also like to thank those who reviewed for their kind words. I know it might seem like Castle should have done more...but don't forget Kate is an adult and treating her like she is broken and hovering will just make her pull away. Again, thank you for reading and thanks for the kind words-they mean alot to me.  
**


	3. Chapter 3

The next several weeks came and went. Kate continued to see Dr. Burke. Even though Dr. Burke assured her it was a process and it would take time, Kate still wasn't happy with the progress she was making. She wanted to feel better now. She didn't want to wait to deal with all the underlying issues to truly feel better…she wanted to fix everything now.

Over the past weeks she had avoided Castle as much as possible. Of course, he continued to come to the precinct and help with cases, but she kept their conversations about business. She was embarrassed to be around him. Embarrassed because he knew everything. Embarrassed because she was sure he thought she was weak. People have always thought she was so strong, but now Castle knew that was all an act; she wasn't strong…she couldn't handle everything. She felt like a farce. She wasn't what everybody thought she was. Other than Dr. Burke, Castle was the only one that knew about the cutting and she planned to keep it that way. She could barely face Castle, she couldn't imagine anyone else knowing. Castle continued to try and invite her to do things, asking her if she wanted to come to the loft for dinner, asking her if she wanted to go for a drink after a case…the man was persistent. But she turned him down every time, finding some excuse; she was tired, she had some paperwork to finish up, she had errands she had to run. She just couldn't face him outside work, when she knew the conversation would turn personal.

Castle was getting more and more worried as the weeks went on. He knew she was pulling away, and he knew why, but nothing he tried worked. He wasn't going to give up though, so as Beckett put her last piece of paperwork in the file, he decided to try again, "So do you want to go catch a movie or something? There are a few good ones that just came out."

Kate stood up and began putting her jacket on, "Sorry, Castle. I have a lot of errands I have to take care of. Next time?"

She started walking away but he stopped her, "That's what you said the last time Kate. And the time before that."

Kate turned around angrily, "Well I'm sorry Castle, I'm sorry I'm busy and I can't always entertain you."

Castle walked over to her, "You aren't busy Kate, your avoiding me. Don't forget, I know you…I know you're trying to push me away. That's why your acting so mean right now, you're hoping I get angry and walk away but you know what, it's not going to work."

Kate walked away before he could say anymore, walking to take the stairs so she wouldn't be stuck in the elevator with him. Castle started to follow her but thought better of it. He would let her cool off and try to talk to her later.

Kate decided to stop by the grocery store so she wouldn't completely be lying. As she was walking through the baking isle a pair of people caught her eye. A little girl, no older than 6, was standing near her mom, bouncing up and down with excitement.

The little girl, staring at her mom with big green eyes and brown curls, so similar to Kate at that age, pulled the chocolate chips off the shelf, "Can we make daddy some chocolate chip cookies mommy!? They're his favorite!"

The little girl's mother looked down and smiled at her baby, "Of course, I told you we could make some cookies together this weekend! Chocolate chip sound perfect, daddy will be so excited!"

"Yay, thank you mommy! I love you! I can't wait!" the little girl jumped up and down and then flung herself into her mother's arms.

The mother laughed, "I love you too baby girl! We'll have so much fun."

Kate couldn't stand it anymore. All she could see was her and her mother. They would always bake together; that was one of their special things. All of the sudden her mind was spinning with memories of shopping with her mother, of baking cookies and pies and cakes…her mom teaching her to draw with the frosting…her mom sneaking her a freshly baked cookie before dinner behind her father's back…of her accidently getting flour in her mother's hair and being so scared she would be mad, until her mom got a fistful of flour and blew it in her face and started an all out flour war. She would never have those moments again. She wouldn't get to see her mom baking with her children, teaching her kids the secret family recipes. She would never have any moments with her mom again. She was all alone. She had no one. She grabbed her purse and, leaving her bag of groceries behind, ran as fast as she could out of the store. She drove home as fast as she could, her breathing becoming shallow, her heart racing.

As soon as she shut her door she leaned against it and slammed her eyes shut. She tried to take a few deep breaths but she couldn't. She couldn't think. She couldn't breathe. She walked to her kitchen and stood there, just staring at the drawer she knew had her knives. She rubbed a hand over her face in frustration. Dr. Burke had told her to call him if she felt like cutting, and she had told him she would, but at this moment she didn't want to call him. She didn't want to go for a run. She didn't want to read a book, or go for a drive. She didn't want to do anything that was on her list of distractions. She wanted to cut.

'Screw it,' she thought as she walked to the drawer, 'who cares, no one will know.' She just kept telling herself that as she took the knife out. She knew what Dr. Burke would say but he just didn't understand, none of those 'distractions' made her feel better. None of those distractions made her feel better. She wanted to feel better. She _needed_ to feel better. She couldn't take this anymore. She had to do something. She couldn't risk anyone accidently finding out so, with shaky hands she lifted her shirt and lowered the top of her pants just enough to reveal her lower abdomen. Before she could second guess herself she made a cut, bigger than the first cuts she made. That didn't help…she still didn't feel better. Getting more frustrated, she made another cut, taking all her frustration and pain out on her body. She started to feel better so she made a third cut. It was then that she realized something. The first time, after she made a few cuts, she felt better. This time, she just wanted to keep going. Was this what Dr. Burke was talking about? He kept telling her that cutting was a slippery slope, but she didn't understand…didn't necessarily believe him. But now, as she was standing in her kitchen with a knife in her hands, she understood. She felt it. The first time she felt guilty, this time she didn't. Not only was it easier to justify and cut this time, she found she didn't want to stop. It was helping even more this time…and she didn't want to stop. She dropped the knife and covered her mouth with her hands as she started crying and shaking. She fell to the floor. God, what had she done?


	4. Chapter 4

**Wow. It's amazing to see that people have been reading and favoriting and following. Thank you so much. And for all of you who reviewed...THANK YOU THANK YOU. I CANNOT tell you how much it means to me, you just have no idea.  
**

* * *

She was about to make another cut when there was a loud knock at the door. She jumped, dropping the knife in surprise.

"Hey, Kate. It's Castle, open up."

'Shit!' She thought. "Uhm, just a second!" She ran to the bathroom to grab a tissue. She quickly wiped the blood of her stomach before throwing it away. She took a few deep breaths, willing herself to calm down. "Coming Castle!" she yelled. She forced a smile on her face as she opened the door and tried to sound as normal as possible. "Hey Castle, What's up?"

"I wanted to apologize. I'm not trying to be annoying and nosey, I just…I'm worried."

The sincerity in his voice almost broke her but she forced the tears back. She cleared her throat so her voice wouldn't break, "It's fine Castle. Thanks for coming by. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Well I was hoping, since I was here, maybe we could hang out? I can make us some of my special hot chocolate and we could just veg and watch a movie? That is…if you didn't want to be alone. Like I said, I'm not trying to be annoying or pushy I just…"

Kate opened her mouth, automatically about to respond with a 'no,' but then she thought better of it. Maybe there was a reason he came by tonight. Maybe it was a sign. Hell, if he hadn't have come when he did she would have cut again…who knows how many more times. Maybe this was the universes way of telling her she needed to stop (if you believed in that sort of thing). Regardless, the urge had started to pass and she realized that company might be nice; if nothing else, it would keep her from cutting more. Man…she really needed to talk to Dr. Burke about this. What had just happened? All well, maybe she could just move on for right now, try and block it out. She took a deep breath, "It ok Castle. Why…why don't you come on it?"

She saw the shock on Castle's face before he quickly schooled his features, not trying to act to excited, "Really?"

She rolled her eyes and a slight smile appeared on her face; a real one, "Yes, really. Now would you come in before I change my mind?"

"Ok, ok. Wouldn't want that." He said quickly as he walked in. He immediately started for the kitchen, "I'll start on the hot chocolate, you pick any movie you like. Your choice."

"Sounds good," she said as she shut the door and walked over to her entertainment center. She bent down and started looking through her movie collection for a comedy. She decided something funny was definitely in order tonight.

She was narrowing her choices down when she heard Castle, "Kate…"

She stood up and narrowed her eyes in confusion. What was going on? She could tell by the strain in his voice something was wrong. She made her way to the kitchen, "Yeah, Castle…what…" she stopped in her tracks when she saw Castle holding the knife. 'son of a…' she thought. She was in such a hurry to get to the door that she completely forgot that she had dropped the knife on the floor. It wouldn't have been a bid deal if there wasn't blood on the tip of the knife. Castle wasn't stupid. He knew what blood on a knife looked like. And he knew….he knew. He would put two and two together.

"Kate…"

The panic she was feeling earlier started to return. Her heart feeling like it would thump out of her chest, her vision becoming narrow, the lightheadedness…it was all coming back. "Ca…" her voice broke so she tried again, "Castle, it isn't what you think."

"Oh, it's not." He questioned softly, walking toward her.

"No, it's not."

Castle just shook his head, "Kate, don't lie to me."

"I'm not…" she pulled up her sleeves, revealing her wrists, which only had the faded cuts from weeks before, "See! Look…nothing!"

He took a deep breath "Wrists aren't the only place to cut, Kate. Particularly if you are trying to make sure no one will see." How…how did he? How did he know? Her panic increased tenfold. "Just please, tell me the truth. Whatever the truth is Kate, it's ok. I promise. We'll deal with it…together. But you…you have to tell me. Please." He begged.

It was then she noticed his voice starting to break. She looked at him and saw the hurt and worry and fear in his eyes. It broke her nearly as much as seeing that little girl with her mom, "Castle, I'm fine."

"You're not." He stated simply. "Kate, do you have any idea how hard it is to watch your best friend self-destructing? How hard it is to see someone you care about spiral down deeper and deeper and refuse to let you help? It's not fair to the people who care about you. The people who LOVE you."

Kate shut her eyes, tears threatening to leak out, "What do you want from me Castle?" Her voice was barely audible.

Castle put the knife on the counter and took Kate's hands. Her eyes opened at the feel of him holding her hands. He gripped them tight, "I want you to tell me the truth. I want you to let me help. That's all I want." A big part of her wanted to tell him. A big part of her wanted to let him help because, God, it was so unbelievably hard carrying this burden alone. A big part of her was glad he showed up tonight because she just didn't know what to do anymore. "Kate I promise you, no matter what…nothing is going to make me think less of you. We all have our own battles and demons to fight. ALL of us. It doesn't make you weak." The tears that had been threatening to fall finally fell. He pulled her into a hug and was relieved that instead of fighting him, she was holding on to him tightly.

"I'm scared, Castle." Kate whispered, her voice shaky.

"Kate I promise you, everything is going to be ok. You're going to get through this." He felt her shake her head in disagreement, "You will Kate. Nothing lasts forever."

Kate finally pulled away a bit and looked at him with tears in her eyes, "How?"

He squeezed her arms, "You let the people who care about you help. You let us in. You don't have to do this alone." She could only nod as the tears had started flowing again. "Will you tell me what happened tonight?"

"I…" she took a deep breath, "I really did run an errand…I went to the grocery store. I was in the baking isle and I saw this little girl with her mom. She was so excited because they were going to make cookies and, I don't know…all of the sudden all I could think about was my mom and how we used to bake together and how now I'm all alone and I…I ran out of the store and got home as fast as I could and I…I just…"

"Didn't know what else to do?"

She nodded, praying he wouldn't ask for details. Praying he wouldn't ask to see. She couldn't get into that, especially when it was so fresh. Hell, Dr. Burke didn't even ask where she cut, never asked her to go into that much detail. He said he has to have a good reason to make her re-live it that much, and she was grateful for that. "Castle, please don't ask to…"

He immediately nodded his understanding, "I won't. Don't worry." He saw her sigh in relief. A few moments of silence went by and he could tell she was getting uncomfortable and didn't know what to do now, "Can I make a proposition?"

"Okk…." She asked, slightly confused.

"Why don't we forget the movie and get out of here. I'll take you to go get some frozen yogurt, my treat."

Kate looked at him, clearly surprised, "What?!"

"Frozen yogurt! I mean, I know its freezing out but come on, it's never too cold for frozen yogurt. Besides, I don't know about you, but I could really use some right about now."

"I..I, you don't want to…"

He interrupted, "Oh, no, I do want to talk more, and we will. But right now, I think the best thing is just getting out of this apartment and having a treat. Forget about it for a while, ok? We'll figure it out later…TOGETHER. But for now, let's just relax. What do you say?"

Kate shook her head in disbelief. God this man was amazing. How did he know just what she needed? "Ok."

Castle raised his eyebrows, "Ok?"

"Yeah…" she said softly, looking him in the eyes, "ok."

And as they walked out of the apartment he realized that she wasn't just saying 'ok' to the frozen yogurt…she was saying 'ok' to letting him help. She was finally accepting his help. He said a silent prayer of thanks as he led her to the elevator. He knew this was only the beginning of a long road ahead…but he didn't care. She was letting him help, and he was ready to do anything he could.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys! Thank you so much for all your kind words. I know unless you have gone through this, or know someone who has, this might be kind of hard to relate to. This story is not going to just be about cutting. I want this story to be about overcoming a struggle. Everyone has their own struggles they have to fight and overcome so I figure that is something everyone will be able to relate to.  
**

At first they were eating their frozen yogurt and chatting; not about anything in particular, just talking about anything. They had been sitting in silence for a few minutes now. Castle was about to say something but Kate beat him to it. She took a deep breath and set her spoon in her yogurt cup, "look, Castle. I…I said okay…and I meant it. I just, can you give me some time here? I honestly don't know how to talk to you about this and just thinking about it makes me anxious. Would you let me talk to Dr. Burke about this before we talk about it? I need to ask him how to even be ok talking about this with someone and I don't know how you can help…I, I just don't know. So can we not talk about it until I have a discussion with him?

"Kate, of course. I'm not here to MAKE you talk…I just want you to let me help. If talking to me about it makes you panic more that's the last thing I want."

Kate ran a frustrated hand through her hair, "It's not just talking to you…it's talking about it in general…and I just don't know what to say. I want to talk to you about it…I mean, I don't, but I do…and I…"

Castle set his spoon down and grabbed her hand, "Hey. It's ok. This is at your pace here. You just let me know HOW I can help. That's all I want."

"Really?"

"Oh, Kate, of course. I know I haven't always been the best at respecting your boundaries but…" Kate scoffed at him, "BUT," he emphasized playfully, then turned serious, "I promise you, as long as you are telling me you'll accept help, I will always accept your boundaries with this. Ok?"

"O…Ok." Kate said, shocked.

"So, when do you see Dr. Burke again?"

"Umm…Thursday."

He nodded, "So will you...after you talk to him, will you just tell me how I can help?

Kate gave him a slight smile, "Yes."

"Thank you. Now…enough serious talk. Have I told you about my mother's latest play? I don't think Alexis and I are going to survive. She is having to have rehearsals at the house still. I don't know how many more hours I can take hearing Nate mess up Shakespeare. I mean, seriously…the man just butchers it!"

Kate laughed. She couldn't handle talking to him about cutting but hearing about Martha's latest exploits…now that she could do.

* * *

Dr. Burke ushered Kate into his office, "Ok, Kate, you seem a little more anxious than normal."

"Uhh, well, yeah." Kate said, looking down and beginning to fidget with her hands.

"What's going on?"

"Well, I…a few nights ago I was at the grocery store. I was walking through the baking isle and I saw this little girl with her mom." she stopped, having a difficult time continuing.

"It's okay, Kate. Take your time, I'm listening."

She nodded, took a deep breath, then continued, "I…I just flashed back to me and my mom and when we would bake together and all of the sudden I couldn't breathe…I was dizzy and I felt like I was suffocating. I just left my groceries there and rushed home. I didn't, I didn't know what to do and I was so overwhelmed and I know I should have called you but I just couldn't and I…I don't know. I felt stuck."

Dr. Burke nodded his head in understanding. She knew he knew what she was talking about, "It's ok."

Kate shook her head, "No it's not. It's not ok. I should have called…" Kate was always so surprised at how calm and composed this man always stayed. How did he do that?

"It is ok, Kate. Let's just talk more about how you were feeling, similar to what we did last time. Try and identify the emotions so we can break them up and talk about each one, ok?"

After time was almost up, Dr. Burke began to close the session. "Ok, so you're going to keep journaling, right?" Kate nodded. "Ok. I have to tell you, something I would like to talk about next time is medication." Kate started to object but he held up his hand to stop her, "I know, you've expressed that you didn't want to rely on medication, and I respect that. But Kate, if it means the difference between you cutting and not, we need to find a way to keep your anxiety level below a 7/8…so those urges are less frequent, and more manageable. I'm about helping people, Kate. Cutting is not going to help you. Something that will keep your anxiety from getting to the level where you have the urge to cut…that is what's going to help, ok? You don't have to make a decision right now. I'm just wanting you to think about it, and we can discuss it next time ok?"

"Ok," she said softly."

"All right. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Well, I…I told you that Castle is the only one that knows the extent of what's going on, right." Dr. Burke nodded, "Well, I…you said I shouldn't try and do this alone…that I should let the people I care about help but how…how do I do that? How do I talk to him about this? How can he help? I just…I feel like he can't really help, he can't possibly understand this…how can he help? How am I supposed to LET him help?

Dr. Burke gave her a soft smile, "You allow yourself to be comforted Kate."

Kate looked at him confused, "What?"

"You are so hell bent on being independent…it means so much to you. I think if you could cut yourself some slack and realize it's OK to let the people who care about you help you…talking to Castle would be a bigger help than you think. Allow him to comfort you…let yourself be comforted." Kate nodded her understanding. "As far as how to talk to him about it because he won't understand…he may not have gone through this exact thing, he may not have ever experience the urge to cut. But everyone has experienced emotions. It may not be as intense for everyone, but everyone can relate to feeling scared and angry and overwhelmed and anxious and sad and frustrated, etc…don't you think?"

"Well…yeah."

"So, that's where you start. Talk to him about how you're feeling. Talk to him about the emotions behind it. He may not have ever felt them as intensely as you're feeling them, but I guarantee he can think of a time when he felt some of the same emotions…felt overwhelmed and not known what to do.

"I…I'll try."

"That's all I ask. You try."

They got up and he walked Kate to the door, "Take care, Kate. I'll see you next week. And call me if you need anything, ok?"

"Ok. Thanks."

As she was walking out of the building she started feeling that now familiar feeling of panic. Damn it, every time she left this stupid place. Every time she had to dredge everything up it just seemed to make it worse. She felt like she was in the world worst catch 22….she had to talk about this with Dr. Burke for it to get better…but talking about it made all those feelings come to the surface. She took a deep breath as she got into her car. She grabbed her phone and went to her favorites screen. Her finger hovered over a number. If she wasn't able to talk to someone right now she knew that her feelings were just going to spiral out of control. Before she could change her mind she pressed the number to dial and after a few rings, the familiar, comforting voice answered.

"Hello?"

"Castle, hey. Do you…did you have a sec?"

"Always, Kate."

**And? What's the verdict? I'm sorry this is a shorter chapter but I wanted to touch on how difficult it can be to talk about this kind of stuff. I figured after the few rough chapters at the beginning, a kind of positive one will do. However; remember, sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. This is by no means the end of Kate's struggle.  
**


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